I like to think that all good things come in pairs of "threes," so it is fitting that this will be the "series finale" of how I rediscovered myself.
Please hold your applause, tears and flowers until the curtain call. Thank You.
Some say that everything happens for a reason or a multitude of reasons. I am one of those people. My adoptive father and I got the chance to have a few heart to heart talks over the phone while I was living in Florida, trying to adjust to the complexities of starting a new life away from home. He had recently gone through major heart surgery shortly after my family and I had gotten the chance to see him during the long drive down from Colorado. He and my mom had divorced back when I was still in college, a result of their vast age difference, and he had chosen to go and live with one of his sons from his first marriage in a different state. It might have been after one of those heart to heart talks or after getting one of his cards in the mail, that I received an "inner message" that he was going to pass soon. The voice of God or Consciousness that I'd often received messages from before that seemed to come over me from out of nowhere. I remember thinking at the time that there was no way this could be possible, he was fine. He had recovered well from his bypass surgery and from all accounts from my adoptive brother, was doing fine. Later on, when he went into the hospital because his lungs began to fill with fluid, they discovered the cancer. In his true stubborn spirit, which I like to think that I inherited from him by osmosis, he had ignored the warning signs. The decision to move back home allowed me the chance to see him again twice before he passed, say that last "I love you," and help my mom cope with the loss. My parents were divorced in name only, they had never stopped loving each other. In my dad's eyes, it was a gift of release he was giving to my mom.
So, here I am, almost seven years later, still at home. It was never the intention to stay here this long, but somehow it has worked out to be that way. Most of that time has been spent pursuing and becoming the embodiment of what I think of as "practicality"; getting the high paying job with tons of possibility, purchasing that first home, learning how to save rather than spend, returning to school to pursue a highly sought after degree with the promise of making even more money. It is the pursuit of gathering things and titles in order to outwardly justify yourself to the world. It is a pursuit in which you are never really satisfied because there is always something "more" and something "better," not to mention someone else who seems to have those "somethings" that you don't.
What we often don't realize is that what we are drawn to has a purpose. The Universe has a purpose in drawing us to it. We don't get what we think we want or we have trouble obtaining it because we are either meant to see a piece of ourselves that must change or we are meant to have the path we need to take revealed to us. In my current job I've gotten both of those lessons. I've seen the embodiment of what I was headed towards becoming in another person. It's a set of characteristics that I myself was beginning to develop that quite honestly I don't like and I don't want to project. I've also realized that my ladder has been leaned up against the wrong wall for quite some time. My sensitivity has been pointed out to me in a negative fashion as I don't fit in with a bunch of "warriors" or with an organizational culture whose leaders reiterate the motto of "Kill the Competition." Frankly, it is an organizational culture that doesn't value their talent as individuals to be developed, but rather as expendable work horses to be intimidated into compliance.
It was a result of experiencing constant overstimulation and feedback that I was "extremely sensitive" in my job that I began to do a little research on sensitivity and sensory stimulation. I stumbled onto the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person" and suddenly my entire life made sense. I received a greater understanding of myself and comfort that I no longer have to feel "out of whack" with the rest of society. I've also awakened to what I truly want out of life and which wall I should have my ladder leaned against. It's a wall I was once very familiar with and fond of and had begun to climb back when innocence was still within my spirit. It's a wall that I hope to eventually see the other side of.
Copyright 2009 by H.E.A.
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