Sunday, October 25, 2009

Things Often Taken for Granted that Shouldn't

1. That there will be a tomorrow.

2. There will be another moment to say "I love you," "Thank You," "I appreciate and value having you in my life."

3. Nature's beauty and complexity.

4. Each person we encounter has a story that they need someone to listen to.

5. Our actions won't have negative consequences.

6. We can continue to take from the people in our lives without giving back.

7. We will continue to be forgiven for our "wrongs."

8. Entitlement to what we think we want.

9. The acquisition of "things," "titles" and "appearances" to validate ourselves without first seeking this from within.

10. Who we are will continue to be who we will become.

11. Our very existence.

12. The material things that we have acquired will continue to be there.

13. The relationships in our lives will always be there to fall back on.

14. There will still be time to do what we really want instead of what we have to.

15. That others will find us as interesting as we find ourselves.

16. That the pursuit of what we think we want will result in happiness.

17. That love can somehow overcome the boundaries and obligations that the world places upon us.

18. That we can continue to disguise and deny our true feelings in hope that someday we will get the chance to reveal them.

19. That the demands of life won't change us.

Copyright 2009 by H.E.A.

...More to come after a brief intermission into practicality

Friday, October 23, 2009

How I Rediscovered My Sensitivity-Part One

I've gone through most of my life somehow knowing that I was a little different from the majority of people. I've felt things on a level that not a lot of others seemed to get. I could never stop thinking, even about my own thoughts. Everything meant something, it had to. I could feel people's energy and sense what they were really saying behind the words.

It's ironic that in the pursuit of striving in the opposite direction of what I truly wanted that I stumbled back into my true self. After taking a year off from my undergrad studies, I decided to change my major to Business because I thought this would be more practical than pursuing my passions of English and Theatre. I chose marketing as my concentration because it seemed to have the most possibilities and I was somehow drawn to it. However, I soon realized that I was in a world that I didn't understand. I didn't think like the professors who taught the classes I was in and I didn't know how to answer their questions. I recall being in my first accounting class and having the professor ask the class for examples of things of value. What he meant was monetary value, things that accountants classify into debits and credits and the like. My mind automatically thought of relationships, flowers, people, poetry, etc. This is probably why I barely scraped by with a "C." Thinking quantitatively has never been my strong suit, as my high school and undergrad transcripts can lovingly attest to.

As I got closer and closer to the end of my program, I knew in my gut that something was wrong. Sure, I enjoyed some of my more "qualitative" classes; the management and marketing electives that let you deal with concepts and people oriented subject matter. But I didn't want to do it, I couldn't see myself in a boring "business" career. I knew I wanted something more alive, something with more passion, something more meaningful. So, with three classes to complete before earning my degree, I decided to take a break. That "break" was participating in Walt Disney Word's College Program. It's an experience that I will never forget and will always be grateful for. It's one of the pivotal experiences in my life that changed me, but it was just the beginning.

Copyright 2009 by H.E.A.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Today is a beginning. The beginning of what exactly remains to be seen. The rest of existence, the rest of life. The embarkment of a journey into something new. A new direction. The hope of a new direction. There are a lot of things that can be done; a lot of things put off in lieu of practicality. No more time can be wasted on practicality. After all, what is the sense in living without passion? Practicality only gets you born, but it doesn’t make sure you continue breathing.

My strengths and interests are advising people, writing, researching, learning, music, films/theatre, telling a story, analyzing, empathizing, one on one relationships. Stimulation can often be my enemy. If I could only go back to that 17 year old girl who knew exactly what she wanted, but chose something she was told she should want instead. College, was that road I chose, despite knowing that I wanted to pursue my writing instead. That first year was difficult, but I had something right the first time. The fields that I studied were my passions. I was told that year that I had a “fine mind” and was encouraged to enter the honors program. I’ve been told that throughout my school years, even now that I’m pursuing my Masters.

This is part of being a highly sensitive person, according to Dr. Elaine Aaron, who has pioneered much of the research on this trait. Gifted, yet misunderstood as shy, unapproachable, timid, inward. Overstimulated by external forces that others are ok with. I’ve always known my whole life, from the time I was very young, that the label “shy” was incorrect. I’ve never felt “shy” in the sense of the word. I’m not scared. Quiet, reflective, yes, but not “shy." I’ve rediscovered myself. It's been a rediscovery of who I really am and reaffirming what I’ve seen in the background my entire life, but have been made to feel wrong about. Putting words to who I am, finding reassurance that there are others has been such an awakening. I am ok, complex as I am. The business world may need someone like me, but perhaps I don’t need or want it. Perhaps it is time to be 100% true to myself. To create through the written word is my lifeline. It's what fuels me. To engulf myself in the what could be, rather than what is. For “what is” is boring really. Where’s the fun in actuality? Isn’t that why we long to escape on a vacation, in a movie, in a book, in a song, in the stories others gossip about? To get away from who we really are, from our own life? The dullness of it can be painful. What we could be is always more alluring, like a seductive scent that carries with it all the possibilities of something more. Alive. Not kept in the darkness of sameness.

To see who you are sometimes requires going back to who you were and to what and who influenced you. I’ve been doing a lot of that recently. I remember as a child falling in love with flowers, tulips specifically. I couldn’t get enough of them, my nose was buried in them, examining the delicate intricacies of their interior, taking in their scent.

I didn’t get the chance to know my biological father too well, but perhaps it is from him that I get the majority of my sensitivity. I do believe that my mother, in her own way, is sensitive as well, but not in the artistic sense. No, from my father I believe I received my love of film, theatre and the gift of writing. I do remember going to movies with him as a child, that is a love and appreciation that was instilled very early. Of course, we went to many Disney films as he was a lover of all things "Disney."

My love of film blossomed in my senior year of high school, where it took on a more artistic tone. Writing is something that has always come naturally. A love of books, knowledge as well. Music is something I was drawn to at an early age. Those passions are still very much alive. I’ve just buried them since I was nineteen in pursuit of things not so sensitive. But it has never felt right and I’ve never been truly happy. At seventeen in my AP English class, my instructor commented that I displayed “sensitivity” in my analysis of literature. At the time, I didn’t fully understand the gift or even the full meaning of the concept. I do now, but of course it is always amusing to look back and know that you’ve always known who you were, you just got lost somewhere along the journey of life.

The pursuit of what you are not can only lead to frustration. Wouldn’t it be better to fully be who you are, to live your dreams, your wishes, to no longer hide behind what the world says you should want and what you should be. I’ve never been good at one hundred percent conformity. You could say that I have a bit of an inner rebel, an onryness that at times can land me in hot water. But the one conformity that I made has changed me. This world requires you to support yourself somehow. Practicality. Things to be acquired, bills to be paid. One thing I’ve learned though is that you can reverse or change your situations in life. If you made a wrong turn, went down the wrong path that looked right at the time, it doesn’t mean that you’re stuck there.

Copyright 2009 by H.E.A.

Today's Random Thoughts and Ruminations

Today is only a reflection of yesterday's dreams. When we touch another, it's as if they transform us into what they want us to be.

We are more than our individual selves. We are life. A collection and collaboration of thoughts, feelings, dreams. Collective consciousness exists because all of our souls co-exist in the past, present and future. To tune into what will be, we only need to listen to it.

I am an actress. I portray who I think others want to see. I only portray what I want others to see. Very rarely is my true self revealed. That is if I even know my real self. Not many do. To do so would require a journey of self reflection and silence. Most of humanity walks in darkness, controlled by the wishes and desires of authority figures’ wishes. The feeling of being outside ourselves does not come from not knowing our true self, but rather from trying to be a reflection of another’s perspective. When we don’t meet those expectations, we are shunned. Often an unwarranted rejection of sorts. Do we do this automatically to others, without getting past the surface, without seeing past what is visible?

Copyright 2009 by H.E.A.