Sunday, March 27, 2011

It is what it is

There are some people that we love no matter what. Even if they disappoint or hurt us. I don't exactly go around throwing out the words "I love you" to just anyone. In fact I find those three words pretty difficult to say, even to family.

Those words are there in my brain waiting to be spoken. Sometimes they're shrouded in an invisible urgency that ends up forming a lump in my throat. But they get caught there, those three words. Stuck. Unable to escape through my lips only to end up in a swallow of shameful regret.

Maybe it's because I've never been keen on conforming to the traditions and ideals of societal standards and customs. Perhaps growing up with dysfunction erased my capability of fully experiencing anything good. Or it might be the fact that the experience of feeling something is so vague and indescribable that I can't quite assign language to it.

I think love is a mixture of feelings. Confusing really. One minute you're as high as a kite and the next you're ready to self-destruct or commit borderline psychotic acts. There's joy, fulfillment, happiness and a sense of warm fuzzy intimacy. But then there's also excruciating pain, loneliness, despair, regret, sorrow and self-doubt.

When my father was dying of cancer, lying on the bed barely able to move or breathe I told him I loved him. Despite everything. The words came out almost effortlessly through the tears and the mini-hug that we somehow mustered.

In those moments of human frailty all the bad stuff doesn't matter. It gets erased as though that one last piece of togetherness you have is all that is. Because you know in your heart that this moment is all that will be. You won't hear the voice again or see the face, except in pictures and grayed-out memories. The good parts won't be around anymore. What guidance and protection existed will only play out in forms that we can't be quite sure of yet.

It's kind of like this aftermath of uncertainty hanging over us. A bag full of changes we're forced to choose from and then suffer the consequences. We're not sure of where we're going to end up and we're even more uncertain of how we're going to get there by ourselves.

Yet everything turns out somehow. We end up surviving. We end up in a whole lot of "somewheres." We ride the full spectrum of human emotion only to look back in admiration, laughter or resolve. We end up discovering that we were never alone and that love never leaves.

As far as love is concerned, there are no questions, wrongdoings or evil consequences. It's the invisible torch that provides us with the inspiration to keep walking and the stillness that tells us we are worth the journey. Love simply is what it is, forever.

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