Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Super B Complex

There are many different facets of pain. It's part of being human. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. Real. Imagined. Ever since I've been conscious of my existence I've lived with it. The type that's hidden and emotional. The type I suppose you could label as depression, but that I constantly shrug off as just "being moody." Writers and creatives are supposed to be that way. Sweethearts disguised as temperamental meanies.

It exhausts you. It can make you think that you might be bipolar or need a pill for some sort of inherited chemical imbalance that may or may not make you feel better in the end. You think about the possibility, but then turn towards the natural elixirs of DMAE and "Vitamin B Complex" supplements containing enough B12 to drown your liver. Just so you can feel normal and almost in control. Perhaps you won't have an emotional reaction for the rest of the day. Perhaps you won't be "so sensitive."

Sometimes I go through the paperwork in one of my boxes. It's sitting on the floor in my downstairs living room amongst a pile of memories. This particular box contains the tangible remnants of my old job. The one I left to pursue what I thought were greener pastures. We had a peer recognition program in place that was very simple. No flashy prizes or big bonus checks. Just a way of saying thank you and showing appreciation by writing your thoughts on a perforated card.

I look at the words and sentences on those cards and am blown away. What a difference between that company's culture and my current one. How ridiculous that I read those words and find myself crying because a part of me doesn't believe in them anymore. In whatever form it comes in, that's the real power of abuse. It has the ability to erase who you are.

Sometimes you turn towards other people or in some cases their creative illusions. It reignites your sense of hope. It renews your sense of vision. It realigns you with your sense of purpose. Kind of like a shot of spiritual vitamin B complex.

Laugh if you will, but I've found that it works. You find a way to accept the challenges that life presents because in the end you have to choose. Death or existence. True desire or safety. Growth or stagnation.

Wavering and chronic pain - no matter what the form - is part of the deal. It's all just a reminder that you're still discovering exactly what you're capable of. Super B Complex and all.

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