Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Fighting Negativity

Yesterday the weather was in a perfectly overcast, rainy state to match my really crappy mood.  I know it's common for sensitive people to be affected more strongly by their environment, especially stormy weather.  I started to feel a little better on my drive back to Ft. Collins as the sun started to break through and the clouds started to dissipate.  My Joss Stone music helped a little bit too.  There's something about Tell Me 'Bout It that just makes you want to sing and dance no matter what.  I mean, you absolutely have to do the hand wave whenever you hear "let's have a show of hands who's addicted to their man."  It's "Chick Code," even if a part of you would rather scream at all the bad drivers on I-25.

I know that I'm exhausted too.  The MBA is almost completed and since this last class is a team project, I get some lulls in my workload from week to week that I wouldn't otherwise.  Sometimes you don't realize how hard you've been pushing yourself until you get the chance to rest a little.  Needless to say, when you come home on a Tuesday, lay down for a nap, end up sleeping twelve hours, and wake up feeling like you've been run over by a truck, you know something's wrong.

Last night wasn't fun.  Crying isn't fun.  Doubting and berating yourself isn't productive.  Of course, this all could just be early perimenopause.  I have, I'm sure, prematurely aged my body since I was seventeen.  I've resolved to make a doctor's appointment even though I hate them.  Besides, I need to rule out anything serious and I can't go about my day being so irritable for no reason.

So, how do you fight through this?  Negativity.  Depression.  Irritability.  Exhaustion.  You can focus on something that makes you feel better-some source of inspiration.  You can reach out to friends or family and talk about it.  You can remove yourself from the world for awhile and hash it out privately until the feelings lessen.  You can acknowledge what's happening and try to self-medicate by talking yourself out of it.  There really isn't a single answer, except for the fact that you have to resolve to find some way to take care of yourself.

"M" told me last week that I was "one tough little girl," "I don't know how you've made it this long with school and work," and "you need to take a couple months off."  I think he's right.  Being highly sensitive means your energy gets depleted faster than others, especially by strenuous activity such as completing a Masters degree and working 50-60 hours per week for the past two and a half years.

I'm not sure I want to put myself through another round of this.  I'm not sure it is right.  I've set myself up for a seventy-five percent probability of having to make a major change.  A change I don't have to make if I don't want to.  Eventually I would like to be eighty-percent freelancer/self-employed, twenty percent employed by someone else at no more than 30 hours per week.  I'm tired, worn out, and I'm not even 35 yet.  Highly Sensitive Person or not, I don't recommend working yourself to death.     

I know I could jump now, with no promise of outside income for a year, and be ok.  Perhaps I should listen to "M."  Perhaps I really should reevaluate the ball I just pitched out to that sketched horizon.  Perhaps there is another way.  Today's tag of the day did say "Jumpn," after all.

And at the core of fighting negativity is paying attention to the warning signs that both your body and your inner essence are trying to tell you.

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