Friday, March 19, 2010

My Emotional Life

I've been a little emotional this week. The pendulum has been swinging back between a dark emptiness and an almost nervous breakdown, waterworks and all. Maybe it's because my hormones are all jacked up, or the fact that I've had a pounding headache every single day that won't go away without two extra strength Tylenols. Or maybe it's just because I'm exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy; especially when I'm standing in the check-out room at work and am frantically searching for a time card that I know I placed in my route book, but now has seemed to disappeared. I start crying because it's not the only thing I can't seem to find lately. The tears won't stop, despite the fact that someone could walk in at any moment and see the mascara-streaked evidence on my face. I'm on edge from all the pressure that everyone around me seems to be able to handle with ease. They don't break down. They may be a little tired, but they're not exhausted. They're still able to function. Me, I feel like there are weights chained to my legs and my arms, and most of all, my heart. I can barely muster up the energy to move and each time I do the sheer effort feels like it will have to be the last. I lay down for an hour nap and wake up five later.

I wonder how people that I care about are doing, but I let their calls go to voicemail because I don't have time to call them back right now. I have appointments left unconfirmed, about 300 e-mails to go through, more case studies, projects, dry text book reading, graded discussion threads, writing samples, recommendation letters, an upcoming GRE test, and life's errands to worry about squeezing in. This week my boss tells me I'm getting another account. Great. More money. But I have to stop in and see what type of equipment they'll need and get that scheduled for delivery. I have to find the energy to put on a cheerful face when I make contact. Energy I just don't have right now. It'll have to wait until next week.

I've been like this before; in this dark whirlwind of nothingness and despair. There's too much pressure, too much to think about, too much to get done and I can't do it all. I'd rather stay in my pajamas, watch movies or TV and sleep. I wish the headaches would go away. I don't know if it's post-concussion syndrome or PMS. I'm too scared to ask if I can go back to the workmen's comp doctor to have it checked out. I don't want to go to my own doctor. He'll ask questions and want to run more tests and I don't want to know the results. Besides, the accident happened three months ago. There's nothing they can do now. The damage to my brain has already been done.

I think about drinking, but I don't buy the wine, the coke and rum, the mixers or the Kaluhua. I laugh because I once took a final exam in college early in the morning after downing nothing but a Kaluhua mudslide and ended up getting an A on it. I hadn't studied for it because I didn't have the time. I guess the buzz took the edge off. Alcohol promises freedom and fun, if only for just a little while. Freedom and fun are just illusions that I've never seemed to have had. Maybe that's why I always escape to a tropical beach on my vacations now that I have money. Money that I'm about to give away in pursuit of uncertainty. But, tropical postcards don't last forever either.

Maybe I really am too sensitive, like one of the Doublemint Twins said. “Doublemint Twin #1” is my former boss at my current job, whom I quickly developed a kind of love-hate relationship with. I really should find the time to thank her, really. If it wasn't for her bickering, I wouldn't have discovered my true self. If it wasn't for her reflection of who I was becoming, I wouldn't have made a much needed detour.

But, today is a different day from yesterday, when I began composing this somewhat dreary post. Today could've been another bad day. It's March and it's snowing in true Colorado fashion. Today, my customers lifted my spirits, as they always do. They found the time to tell me that they appreciate me. The thoughts about everything I have to do fade. It'll get done, eventually. A tag sped past me this morning that said "Be Now."

It’s funny how the Universe gives you those unspoken messages that you need, every single time.

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