I'm not a big believer in "destinations." Not anymore. The reasons are simple. And some of them are complex. We think of life's "ultimate destination" as death. But that's just another way of saying we transition into a different form of existence. So it's not really a "destination" in the concrete sense. If we think about our life's journey, we never really "end up" somewhere. Not if we value growth - whether that growth is internal, external, or a combination of the two. Four years ago, I made the decision to explore a different possibility of who I could be. I had my ideas and my "grandiose notions" of how it might turn out. As I started actually walking the journey's path instead of just visualizing it, I came across a few things I wasn't expecting. I didn't expect to feel out of place or find myself more connected to an employer (and job) I took as a "back-up" plan. I also didn't realize I was going to start feeling and recognizing the full impact of the head injury I incurred at the end of 2009. I certainly didn't expect to be asked to take on a leadership position with my employer or know what I would feel when I was asked repeatedly to apply for my outgoing boss's job.
But here I am at my last residency, feeling the same thing deep within that I felt last year. I've applied for a position I will do my best to succeed in, but it's not going to be where I feel the most at home. Though this time around there is one difference. I wanted to apply for the position I'm currently in, but I do not want to take on the responsibility of being a department head. Although I've been given the reasons why I'm the "one" they have in mind (MBA, "softer" with people, I don't have a "black & white" perspective, detail-oriented), I never once received an "intuitive hunch" that this was coming. Last year, I did. I knew (felt) strongly that I was going to be asked to take on my current position. And I felt I was ready, I could do it, and it was something I needed to do. So now I have to wonder...is this year a "test" I've given myself? Now that about to graduate with my MFA, knowing that now I feel at home with the "idea" of being a full-time writer, and even with being "here," is this choice a "test" of what kind of life I'm going to choose?
If this is indeed a test of which "destination" I'm going to head towards, then maybe it's not a "test" at all. Life has a way of bringing you back to your deepest (sometimes unconscious) desire. In the "end" it doesn't matter what you choose. Eventually you get to live out pieces of whom you've wanted to become, as long as you decide to start taking the step of chance.
To be continued.......
