A twenty-four year old who doesn't know that she's highly sensitive yet can spend quite a few moments of her life wallowing in a dangerous cycle of anxiety and self-pity. What, you may wonder, has her so down in the dumps and feeling as though she's about to rip herself out of her skin at a moment's notice? Oh, believe me.....it is heavy stuff.
She's working two jobs, one from eight to five as an assistant in commercial real estate and then another from six to ten in an upscale department store selling shoes to ungrateful femme fatales. She then drives the forty-five minute commute back to her apartment where she crashes for a cat-nap and waits for the sounds of the neighbor taking a shower to wake her up at 5 am before her alarm does. She has a boyfriend who is so busy running his furniture business that at times it seems as though he doesn't really want to work on their relationship. He's all for getting busy, but then again if you're forty-something and you've got a twenty-something hottie at your side, why wouldn't you be?
There are many moments when she wonders why she's here, in Florida, and whether or not she should pack up and move back to Colorado. She doesn't really want to move back to the land of no opportunity, but she'd like a do-over and it seems like a good way to get one. She's miserable because no matter what the momentary details are, her idealistic picture of what should be doesn't match up with reality.
She has a college degree, so why should she have to work two jobs to make ends meet and pay back the debt she accumulated in order to get it? She knows what she really wants to do, but is ignoring it in pursuit of what seems more practical and attainable. She doesn't quite realize it yet, but you can't chase after something that doesn't fit you and expect to somehow catch it. Still, she wastes time getting frustrated and feeling like she's empty inside. She's also been brainwashed by years of bad daytime love stories, chick flicks and romance novels and doesn't understand why life doesn't afford you the opportunity to star in one.
Some of her co-workers pull her aside and tell her the man isn't worth it, they feel the same way about having to work two jobs, that she's still very young and has time on her side and that if packing up her stuff and moving back home is what she has to do, then so be it. They also discuss about how there's more to life than just working and there's a lot that's missed by simply meeting its obligations and not taking the time to dance to its music. She hears the words and they make sense, but she still feels what she feels. Alone. Cheated. Despair. Worry. Anger. Frustration.
Then the unthinkable happens. It's September 11th, 2001. She's busy opening up the office, sorting through e-mails, planning her tasks for the day and chatting with her boss about a mixture of personal stuff and what's on today's agenda. A vendor has come in for a meeting and while they're schmoozing, the maintenance staff comes in with the horrific news of what's going on in New York. Tenants are gathered outside, buzzing with what they're currently witnessing on their televisions. The corporate office in Atlanta calls and tells us to go home...now. No questions. Orlando receives numerous bomb threats. The government scans all the tags on I-4 as they're driving from helicopters above. Everyone is scared they might die. Her boss tells her she'll call if the office is still closed tomorrow, otherwise come in, and if they die today, at least they'll be at home. She calls her Mom before heading out the door to see if everything is ok back in Colorado. It is, for now. She has a plane ticket to fly back in November for Thanksgiving that is already paid for. She trembles into the phone that she doesn't think she'll be able to come now. Mom says ok, let’s wait and see and asks again if her daughter is ok.
On the way home she listens to the radio and calls the boyfriend to make sure he and the kids are ok. They are. She sighs in relief, but is still terrified. She hopes she makes it home ok. She does. The t.v. she's had since she was 19 blew out over Labor Day and she doesn't have the money to get a new one, so she turns on the radio, leaving it on all night. The skies are quiet for days. People are actually courteous on the roads and no one seems to be in a hurry anymore. A tropical storm blows through, adding to the insult, shock and despair that everyone is feeling.
In an instant her problems no longer exist. They are frivolous. Her cycle of self-pity and anxiety seems so insignificant and shameful. People lost their lives; she still has hers. What seemed so important before gets momentarily erased from her list. She still has a chance to make a difference, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. She still has a chance to write another chapter, another sequel, another set of scenes. She knows the pain of loss well, but can't imagine why so many have to experience it so suddenly now.
She realizes that she has no reason to be unhappy. She wrote this set of scenes and this montage that she finds so unfulfilling. If she wants something different, she'll just have to get busy writing herself a new one.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Navigating Yourself on Life's Roads
Life can be a tricky existence most of the time. It's something we're not given a map or a GPS for. Often, we just happen to discover its roads and decide to take one that will lead us into somewhere and something we can't quite see yet. It would be nice if we somehow had a blueprint already drawn out for us, revealing where each road starts and ends and how they all interconnect to form a method of navigation. Nice and easy, yes. Fun, adventurous and spiritually beneficial, no.
Two months ago I decided to drive myself around a city I hadn't visited in thirteen years and quite frankly, had never had the personal experience of driving in. Prior to my little adventure, I had let my parents do it. I was either too young for a license or under 25, which meant that I was too much of a liability in a city with some of the country's worst drivers. I even declined the rental car company's offer of a GPS system because I thought $16 dollars a day was a little steep, even for a girl with too much money on her hands. Besides, I had to pay the hotel $22 a day for valet and every city parking garage known to man. Not to mention, I was a little cocky. I figured if I had navigated myself through Florida's roads, traffic and crazy out of their mind drivers, I could handle this-even with nothing but a cheap, obscure rental car map.
That over-confidence, wherever it came from, turned out to be right. Yes, I got myself out of LAX's compound to the hotel, survived the 110, I-5, PCH, the 105, a bunch of side streets in Culver City, downtown Los Angeles, a scary round-a-bout in Long Beach, an even scarier Century Blvd, and most of all the 405. Now, if a "tourist" can navigate herself off a freeway closure due to some crazy bank robbers, through the backroads of Long Beach and back onto the 110 to the hotel, I'd say that's pretty damn good. Especially with nothing but that obscure rental car map. Did I use it to figure out how to get to all my destinations that week? Hell no, we have MapQuest to thank for that, but I carried it with me as a back-up. Just in case crazy bank robbers decided to try to outrun the police on the San Diego Freeway the day I had to be in Irvine. A girl can never be too unprepared.
So, the entire time I'm driving this huge SoCal conglomerate of roads, observing the "courtesy" of my fellow drivers and some of the "interesting" scenery, I'm thinking to myself, piece of cake. Why do people even complain about this? This isn't anything I haven't seen or dealt with before, right? Sometimes intuition gives us that "full-speed ahead" cockiness for a reason. Life's roads have already prepared us for the next one we're about to find ourselves on.
Those intangible roads we're presented with, the ones we can't really see anywhere but in our imaginations, force us to choose. At times it can be scary to pick one over the other. Sometimes we're in the midst of traveling on one and wonder why we feel so lost, alone, unprepared, ridden with anxiety and helpless. Some of us find ourselves on one, sooner or later, that makes us feel exhilarated, on top of the world and ready to pinch ourselves until it abruptly comes to an end and we have no choice but to go down a narrower, unattractive path.
The funny thing about life's unseen roads is that wrong turns are sometimes the only way you can get to your destination. No matter what path you choose, how many types of roads you find yourself on or how many you have to get on and off to reach your destiny, the end result is the same-you reach it. There are just some of us who have to learn our spiritual lessons more than once in order to finally "get it." Stubbornness can be a great asset, but I speculate that the "other side" likes to have a little more fun with those of us who are. Regardless, we learn what we came here for.
We shouldn't let fear stop us from choosing a certain path or wonder why we're on one that suddenly seems dark and uncertain. If we take the time to reflect, we'll realize that they're all helpful lessons and preparation for what we'll need. They're all connected-a sort of chaotic circle that doesn't really end in a pinpointed destination, until the day that we choose to stop traveling.
Two months ago I decided to drive myself around a city I hadn't visited in thirteen years and quite frankly, had never had the personal experience of driving in. Prior to my little adventure, I had let my parents do it. I was either too young for a license or under 25, which meant that I was too much of a liability in a city with some of the country's worst drivers. I even declined the rental car company's offer of a GPS system because I thought $16 dollars a day was a little steep, even for a girl with too much money on her hands. Besides, I had to pay the hotel $22 a day for valet and every city parking garage known to man. Not to mention, I was a little cocky. I figured if I had navigated myself through Florida's roads, traffic and crazy out of their mind drivers, I could handle this-even with nothing but a cheap, obscure rental car map.
That over-confidence, wherever it came from, turned out to be right. Yes, I got myself out of LAX's compound to the hotel, survived the 110, I-5, PCH, the 105, a bunch of side streets in Culver City, downtown Los Angeles, a scary round-a-bout in Long Beach, an even scarier Century Blvd, and most of all the 405. Now, if a "tourist" can navigate herself off a freeway closure due to some crazy bank robbers, through the backroads of Long Beach and back onto the 110 to the hotel, I'd say that's pretty damn good. Especially with nothing but that obscure rental car map. Did I use it to figure out how to get to all my destinations that week? Hell no, we have MapQuest to thank for that, but I carried it with me as a back-up. Just in case crazy bank robbers decided to try to outrun the police on the San Diego Freeway the day I had to be in Irvine. A girl can never be too unprepared.
So, the entire time I'm driving this huge SoCal conglomerate of roads, observing the "courtesy" of my fellow drivers and some of the "interesting" scenery, I'm thinking to myself, piece of cake. Why do people even complain about this? This isn't anything I haven't seen or dealt with before, right? Sometimes intuition gives us that "full-speed ahead" cockiness for a reason. Life's roads have already prepared us for the next one we're about to find ourselves on.
Those intangible roads we're presented with, the ones we can't really see anywhere but in our imaginations, force us to choose. At times it can be scary to pick one over the other. Sometimes we're in the midst of traveling on one and wonder why we feel so lost, alone, unprepared, ridden with anxiety and helpless. Some of us find ourselves on one, sooner or later, that makes us feel exhilarated, on top of the world and ready to pinch ourselves until it abruptly comes to an end and we have no choice but to go down a narrower, unattractive path.
The funny thing about life's unseen roads is that wrong turns are sometimes the only way you can get to your destination. No matter what path you choose, how many types of roads you find yourself on or how many you have to get on and off to reach your destiny, the end result is the same-you reach it. There are just some of us who have to learn our spiritual lessons more than once in order to finally "get it." Stubbornness can be a great asset, but I speculate that the "other side" likes to have a little more fun with those of us who are. Regardless, we learn what we came here for.
We shouldn't let fear stop us from choosing a certain path or wonder why we're on one that suddenly seems dark and uncertain. If we take the time to reflect, we'll realize that they're all helpful lessons and preparation for what we'll need. They're all connected-a sort of chaotic circle that doesn't really end in a pinpointed destination, until the day that we choose to stop traveling.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Believing in Your Perspective
On Tuesday I found myself having to sit through what was supposed to be a five hour training class. "Solution Selling" was the title of choice that my organization came up with. Thankfully, it only lasted about three and a half hours and they fed us food from Jason's Deli. They forgot to consider the only vegetarian in the room, but I made do like I have for years by pulling the cold cuts off the bread. Two Diet Pepsi's (no Coke products allowed), five dill pickles, three makeshift "mini-sandwiches" consisting of rye bread, really cheap mustard, lettuce and tomato, along with a few cherry date oatmeal cookies thrown in and I was out of there. There's nothing like having to rearrange your sales calls for the week and start at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am to accommodate the schedule of "The Powers That Be."
I found this training session to be amusing on a variety of levels and not just because I was being my typical smart-ass self in what I call the "naughty corner" of the room. I'm beginning to think that my organization has either put an HSP in charge somewhere or is consulting with one. The best part is that whoever this is, they're actually listening to them. Or maybe they're beginning to realize that the customer is actually what drives the business, not the power of the business itself. But then again, when you're number one and there's very little competition, you tend to create and buy into the illusion that you'll always be able to "have it your way."
Funny how things suddenly change when competition comes around and those "customers" you never treated as people have viable alternatives. Funny how I brought up the exact same point to my former boss, "Doublemint Twin #1" a long time ago and was basically told in a not so nice way that my perspective was invalid. It's just not good business sense to "force yourself" on your accounts, telling them this is the way it has to be because that's what you want. Mmmm, wouldn't it make sense to actually cultivate a relationship by finding out what their needs are and attempt to meet them? Isn't that the definition of "marketing" in the first place? Meeting needs profitably? Finding out what the market needs and then providing it? No, it doesn't mean being a doormat for them to walk all over, but you've got to find out where your needs/service/product and theirs meets.
Regardless, when it came time to speak up about what we "newbies" with less than five years of service thought about the "new" process, I stated openly what no one else would. I simply stated that this process and perspective was the one that I was used to from the other companies I've worked for. I said I was happy to see this process being introduced because I had been uncomfortable using the "old" approach. Yep, I just tell it like it is anymore. They need to hear it, even if they choose not to listen. Besides, you can't change something you keep hidden or sweep under the rug.
I'm glad that my organization is making these changes, even if it's for the wrong reasons of wanting to drive the competition out of business and reclaim their coercive market power. I couldn't help but nod my head in agreement and smile at some of the highlights of this training. It felt good to finally hear that perspective I had mentioned so long ago be validated. It also felt good to have them admit what they didn't want to before-that our sales approach was to force ourselves on our customers, not consider their needs and just blaze ahead with our own.
I had to really focus myself from getting brainwashed by this "new direction," so I wrote a set of words on the back of a sheet of paper so I could remind myself not to get sidetracked. They're a set of words I formulated myself and have had reflected back to me a few times. They're a set of words I kept hearing in my head two months ago and that I repeat to myself often throughout the day. My organization's "new direction" doesn't change things. For starters, who knows how long it will last? Furthermore, I still need to follow my heart and work towards what I really want.
Just as my company kept its truth hidden for years, I have as well. Letting it surface every now and then doesn't count. I have to be committed and stay strong, no matter what. I have to acknowledge what's not working in order to transform it into something that will. I have to keep going within in order to discover what I've been ignoring. The other night, my higher self reminded me with a song that I used to hear several times a day, but had forgotten. Within the ending lyrics was the message I needed-"have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. I've heard it too many times to ignore it, it's something that I'm supposed to be."
Not too unlike those words I wrote myself-reinvention is the process of visiting who you are so that you may become who you should be.
Maybe it's time I finally started acting on what I've heard. That's the only way to demonstrate belief.
I found this training session to be amusing on a variety of levels and not just because I was being my typical smart-ass self in what I call the "naughty corner" of the room. I'm beginning to think that my organization has either put an HSP in charge somewhere or is consulting with one. The best part is that whoever this is, they're actually listening to them. Or maybe they're beginning to realize that the customer is actually what drives the business, not the power of the business itself. But then again, when you're number one and there's very little competition, you tend to create and buy into the illusion that you'll always be able to "have it your way."
Funny how things suddenly change when competition comes around and those "customers" you never treated as people have viable alternatives. Funny how I brought up the exact same point to my former boss, "Doublemint Twin #1" a long time ago and was basically told in a not so nice way that my perspective was invalid. It's just not good business sense to "force yourself" on your accounts, telling them this is the way it has to be because that's what you want. Mmmm, wouldn't it make sense to actually cultivate a relationship by finding out what their needs are and attempt to meet them? Isn't that the definition of "marketing" in the first place? Meeting needs profitably? Finding out what the market needs and then providing it? No, it doesn't mean being a doormat for them to walk all over, but you've got to find out where your needs/service/product and theirs meets.
Regardless, when it came time to speak up about what we "newbies" with less than five years of service thought about the "new" process, I stated openly what no one else would. I simply stated that this process and perspective was the one that I was used to from the other companies I've worked for. I said I was happy to see this process being introduced because I had been uncomfortable using the "old" approach. Yep, I just tell it like it is anymore. They need to hear it, even if they choose not to listen. Besides, you can't change something you keep hidden or sweep under the rug.
I'm glad that my organization is making these changes, even if it's for the wrong reasons of wanting to drive the competition out of business and reclaim their coercive market power. I couldn't help but nod my head in agreement and smile at some of the highlights of this training. It felt good to finally hear that perspective I had mentioned so long ago be validated. It also felt good to have them admit what they didn't want to before-that our sales approach was to force ourselves on our customers, not consider their needs and just blaze ahead with our own.
I had to really focus myself from getting brainwashed by this "new direction," so I wrote a set of words on the back of a sheet of paper so I could remind myself not to get sidetracked. They're a set of words I formulated myself and have had reflected back to me a few times. They're a set of words I kept hearing in my head two months ago and that I repeat to myself often throughout the day. My organization's "new direction" doesn't change things. For starters, who knows how long it will last? Furthermore, I still need to follow my heart and work towards what I really want.
Just as my company kept its truth hidden for years, I have as well. Letting it surface every now and then doesn't count. I have to be committed and stay strong, no matter what. I have to acknowledge what's not working in order to transform it into something that will. I have to keep going within in order to discover what I've been ignoring. The other night, my higher self reminded me with a song that I used to hear several times a day, but had forgotten. Within the ending lyrics was the message I needed-"have you been half asleep and have you heard voices? I've heard them calling my name. I've heard it too many times to ignore it, it's something that I'm supposed to be."
Not too unlike those words I wrote myself-reinvention is the process of visiting who you are so that you may become who you should be.
Maybe it's time I finally started acting on what I've heard. That's the only way to demonstrate belief.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Let's Roll!
I have a little saying I repeat to myself each morning before I head out into my market. In fact, I have a little tradition that involves cranking up a bluesy, semi-Indie or rockin' pop tune. I do this in part because I'm not a morning person and it's a way to get my senses moving. One of the other reasons I do it is just to be different and somewhat annoying. I work for a pretty uptight, vanilla corporate culture and I get a rise out of seeing what kind of shockwaves I can send through their robotic-like systems. There's nothing like hearing Joss Stone blare out "don't tell me how to think or feel" or some Chicago Blues band squeal "she's been gone so long, 'bout to drive her Daddy wild" across a parking lot at 5:30 in the morning.
The way I look at it is even if you don't like your job, what your organization stands for or see yourself becoming a company girl, you might as well have fun while you're doing it. Now, it's no secret that I loathe my job. It's pretty monotonous. I mean, how much fun and meaning is there in pushing chips? Not a whole lot. Even for a non-sensitive, it's kind of like a nightmare. Just ask anyone who has worked for our organization for a few weeks. I've come up with a new "welcome greeting" I've decided would be the perfect opening line on a new hire's first day of training. Remember what Martin Lawrence's character says in "Nothing to Lose" when the white guy gets into his car? Well for those of you who haven't seen the flick, it goes something like this...."Welcome to hell, B!"
Perfect....definitely perfect.
The funny thing about finding yourself in situations like these is that it can do one of two things. You either find yourself wallowing further into a depressive spiral over how your situation absolutely stinks or it tends to light a fire underneath your rear end to change it. I've decided on the latter, it's much more productive.
So, while I'm driving down I-25 and Boulder County's roads I take the time to admire the sunrise, sing and even dance a little to my cd's, smile at all the California tags that always seem to appear (sometimes six in a row), and think about what stories the characters of "All My Salty Snacks" might possibly have to tell me today. Last Thursday's episode was quite the shocker that wouldn't end, but that's another blog entirely.
I don't focus on the numbers anymore, not that I ever did. I go out there with the intent of making the most of the moments I have left of this gig. It's been quite the adventure, for sure, but I think I've finally gotten to a place where I've let go of all the rigid expectations I had of myself going into this. For the first time, I'm truly enjoying myself because I've let go of the rules and released myself of pretending to be something that I can't. I find such enjoyment in being able to be entertaining with my customers, as if we were at a dinner party rather than standing in a retail establishment. They call me "trouble," "ornery," "babe," "Chip Chick (C.C. for short)," and a few other things. Being able to brighten someone else's face into a smile isn't something I've had the joy of doing in my role with this company because it didn't seem to be part of the culture. It wasn't until I decided to rewrite the rules that I realized how much I've missed being able to do that. It feels good. It feels right. And, no, I'm not going to stop.
In the background I've got my eyes focused on the hazy horizon I've created for myself. Eleven more weeks and the MBA program will be finished. A few more pages and the writing portfolio will be ready for editing. Squeezing in the work towards MFA/MPW submission materials hasn't been easy, but if you want something, you'll do the work to get yourself there. It won't be until the end of year until the icky anticipation game begins, but I'm looking forward to the possibilities that it might bring.
You've got to take chances in life, sometimes big, "I just got a wild hair" ones in order to get the results you've envisioned. You've got to take each moment, breathe it in, live it, capture its goodness and then let it move on to its next destination. Whether good or bad, everything will eventually pass. Just like that saying I repeat to myself each morning as I pull out a protein bar and a light mocha frappuccino.....
"Let's roll, girl!"
The way I look at it is even if you don't like your job, what your organization stands for or see yourself becoming a company girl, you might as well have fun while you're doing it. Now, it's no secret that I loathe my job. It's pretty monotonous. I mean, how much fun and meaning is there in pushing chips? Not a whole lot. Even for a non-sensitive, it's kind of like a nightmare. Just ask anyone who has worked for our organization for a few weeks. I've come up with a new "welcome greeting" I've decided would be the perfect opening line on a new hire's first day of training. Remember what Martin Lawrence's character says in "Nothing to Lose" when the white guy gets into his car? Well for those of you who haven't seen the flick, it goes something like this...."Welcome to hell, B!"
Perfect....definitely perfect.
The funny thing about finding yourself in situations like these is that it can do one of two things. You either find yourself wallowing further into a depressive spiral over how your situation absolutely stinks or it tends to light a fire underneath your rear end to change it. I've decided on the latter, it's much more productive.
So, while I'm driving down I-25 and Boulder County's roads I take the time to admire the sunrise, sing and even dance a little to my cd's, smile at all the California tags that always seem to appear (sometimes six in a row), and think about what stories the characters of "All My Salty Snacks" might possibly have to tell me today. Last Thursday's episode was quite the shocker that wouldn't end, but that's another blog entirely.
I don't focus on the numbers anymore, not that I ever did. I go out there with the intent of making the most of the moments I have left of this gig. It's been quite the adventure, for sure, but I think I've finally gotten to a place where I've let go of all the rigid expectations I had of myself going into this. For the first time, I'm truly enjoying myself because I've let go of the rules and released myself of pretending to be something that I can't. I find such enjoyment in being able to be entertaining with my customers, as if we were at a dinner party rather than standing in a retail establishment. They call me "trouble," "ornery," "babe," "Chip Chick (C.C. for short)," and a few other things. Being able to brighten someone else's face into a smile isn't something I've had the joy of doing in my role with this company because it didn't seem to be part of the culture. It wasn't until I decided to rewrite the rules that I realized how much I've missed being able to do that. It feels good. It feels right. And, no, I'm not going to stop.
In the background I've got my eyes focused on the hazy horizon I've created for myself. Eleven more weeks and the MBA program will be finished. A few more pages and the writing portfolio will be ready for editing. Squeezing in the work towards MFA/MPW submission materials hasn't been easy, but if you want something, you'll do the work to get yourself there. It won't be until the end of year until the icky anticipation game begins, but I'm looking forward to the possibilities that it might bring.
You've got to take chances in life, sometimes big, "I just got a wild hair" ones in order to get the results you've envisioned. You've got to take each moment, breathe it in, live it, capture its goodness and then let it move on to its next destination. Whether good or bad, everything will eventually pass. Just like that saying I repeat to myself each morning as I pull out a protein bar and a light mocha frappuccino.....
"Let's roll, girl!"
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