A Meaningful Encounter With a Stranger

Today I had a stranger approach me as I was finishing up in one of my accounts.  Well, to tell you the truth this happens all the time, but today's experience was a little different.  It wasn't one of my male stalkers offering their "business" card and asking me to call them for a "house inspection," or a Hell's Angel offering to whisk me away on a "romantic" adventure, or some misguided male trying to "help" me with my job so he could turn around and tell me that "damn, you're beautiful."  No, it was a woman who had an obviously strong urge to ask a few questions.  It surprised me at first that she felt so compelled to stop and ask a complete stranger about the company they work for.  At first I thought that maybe she wanted to know more about the organization and the job because she (or someone she knew) might be interested in coming on board.  Within a few sentences, I realized that she was looking for peace of mind and some sense of validation.

She told me that her husband had briefly worked for the company and had felt mistreated, unprepared to perform the required duties of the job, and disillusioned with the promise of the alluring world he thought he was stepping into.  She told me about how her husband's voice about valid concerns wasn't listened to, how he worked from 4 am to 9 pm sometimes to get the job done, how he lost a bunch of weight over the stress, and how he was expected to do things that he had never been taught.  She also told me how he had eventually just walked out and told them "they could have their job."  This woman wanted to know if the entire company was that way or if it was just all in her husband's head.  Luckily, this woman approached someone who would be completely honest with her-no spin.  Funny how the universe randomly brings the right people together sometimes, isn't it?

So, I told her a little bit of my story and of my co-workers' stories.  Yes, this company treats you like a number, voicing your concerns and opinions is typically pointless because it goes in one ear and out the other, the expectations are borderline impossible to impossible at times, they always find something wrong no matter what you do or don't do, how you sometimes have to go to extreme measures to prove yourself (like taking 181 pictures of your market and sending them to HR), and how the way they treat employees is a company culture issue (i.e. don't take it personally).  I told her that I've had a few other job offers.  One they talked me out of taking and being the too forgiving/understanding HSP that I am, I tried to give the organization a second chance.  The other was with a company that wasn't financially stable at the time, so I passed.  I also told her that I'm working on leaving soon-for real this time.

She expressed her appreciation and I could see that there was some relief in her eyes and her spirit.  She now knew that it wasn't anything that her husband did or didn't do.  It wasn't his fault.  He made the right decision by walking off the job.  I told her that happens a lot and that he shouldn't feel guilty.  At least he had the courage to do what those of us who are still working there don't.  Before she drove off, she said "I feel so sorry for you guys.  Good luck sweetheart."

I smiled, thinking this must be another one of those random coincidences.  Both for me and for her.  It reminded me that it's part of the reason why I'm here-to help shed light on some of my company's shadows.  At least I was able to help someone today and make a difference in the way they think about themselves.  It's also another validation of what I've felt about my company for years (not that I need anymore at this point) and that I need to truly follow through this time with my intentions to leave.  I'm not meant to stay here forever, like I initially thought I was.  And maybe, just maybe, I need to simply also just let go.      

Brooke's Reflection

I don't have too much to say today.  Partly because I have that laundry list of other things to do from my life and partly because today is a day of reflection and remembrance.  It's a tradition I keep because nine years ago my inner life was so affected by that tragedy we've all come to know as simply "9/11."  My tradition of reflection and remembrance is simple.  I review the horrific recorded news coverage, so I won't forget.  Sometimes I watch the memorial service play out on television at Ground Zero.  But most of all I revisit that list of lives who passed on that day. 

That list shows us that those numbers are actually faces-with names, dreams, goals, lives, loved ones, and an inner purpose.  Some pull me in more than others-perhaps due to similar inner journeys, a past life connection, or a reflection that needs to be seen.  One in particular I've never forgotten-B.A.J.  Young at the time, only one year between us.  Ambitious, hard-working, intelligent, full of promise.  Beautiful, but not in the glamorous sense.  I speculate that she had stepped into a world that she thought she wanted at the time, but soon discovered there was something more important in life that was calling her.  She was in the process of making changes and moving herself towards that vision.  In this lifetime, we didn't know each other.  Yet strangely, I feel as though we do-somewhere, someplace, at some point in time. 

I like to think that's because we actually do.  Because nine years later, I don't have to look very far to see her reflection.  Nor do I have to dig very deep to realize the importance and meaning of the words that were the foundation of her efforts towards change.  Very simple, very profound, and very enlightened for someone who was only twenty-three years old.

"There are more important things in life than making money." 

The Power of Unseen Dreams

Almost five years ago, I fought really hard to obtain my current position.  Yeah, I know.....funny, right?  Let me fill you in on my somewhat misguided twenty-eight year old self.  That is, if I can remember.  It really boils down to a few things: I was tired of having to worry about money and I wanted more, I was tired of having to work at least two jobs since I was seventeen to foot the bills, and I thought I wanted to be a business executive.  Now, some of these reasons are valid and others are just hysterically laughable. 

So I did what I usually do best when I think I really want something-become the ultimate schmoozing bull-shitter, annoyingly persistent in your face nuisance.  The thing is I should've stopped after the first shadowing experience.  My intuition was screaming "oh no, I don't think so honey," but I let my vision be blinded by the alluring promises of those things that I thought were more important.  In my heart and gut I knew this wasn't the right move or place for me.  Still, I lied.  I lied on the shadowing feedback form, I lied my way through three interviews, a second shadowing, and most importantly, I lied to myself.  Being rebellious and wanting to challenge yourself can sometimes mean that you disregard self-respect in exchange for going along with what you think others will approve of.  And by "others" I include societal standards and self-imposed standards based on a need for validation, in addition to the opinions of actual known peers or superiors.

I had a vision, or so I thought, of becoming a business leader (i.e. obtaining control and power) in a powerful company.  I had forgotten about writing and the artsy world.  I hadn't revisited it since 2003 and that was just a brief flirtation.  I got really frustrated when my ambitions didn't quite match up with my environment.  Being treated like you're incompetent, constantly criticized for your best efforts and ignored can do that to you.  Taking verbal abuse from some co-workers wasn't fun either and there were times where I would literally break down and cry during my workday (in secret of course).  But then I started to think that maybe my initial vision isn't what I'm here for.  Just maybe there's something else going on here.

Visions are like that.  They change because we change.  Some are recurring, sure.  But are they always identical?  I don't think so.  Sometimes when we step into one, those visions end up changing us.  Then it's time to wake up until the next one captivates our essence.  You can either give up and move on or you can keep fighting (especially if you're stubborn).  Or, my personal favorite-you can learn to appreciate and be thankful for the one that you're currently in.  Visions don't last forever.  They're not meant to.  Savor the good while you can.  Believe it or not, someday you'll actually miss it. 

Some of those visions are meant to be forgotten.  Some are meant to be remembered as a gift or a beautiful, rich experience.  Some help us develop ourselves or someone else into whom they should be.  Others lead us into another set of scenes that we didn't plan, but we end up loving more.  Some come back in a new form, reminding us that we're in the wrong picture; on the wrong screen; starring in a misguided montage.

But, no matter what they are or whether or not they match that blueprint we've so carefully drawn out in our minds, there's always a message there.  Seen or unseen, they need us as much as we need them.       

A Sense of Inner Peace

For the past few days my mind has been drifting to visions of the trees that were in the backyard of one of the houses my family used to live in.  When I was a teen, I used to find a sense of inner peace and comfort when I watched their leaves rustle with the wind.  Especially when it got a little stormy in the Colorado summer nights.  I used to open up the window from my room in the basement and let the cool wind blow in with its masqueraded feeling of sleeping outdoors.  I suppose in a way I felt connected with this portion of Nature and found some sort of meaning in its imaginary communication.

This morning I took an hour and a half jog, starting thirty minutes before the sunrise, and ending just shortly after the eastern sky became fully lit.  Silence around me, except for the iPod's "Body Blast" and "Get Busy" mixes motivating me to keep going, scenes of white picket fenced Cape Cod like compounds, horses, fields, and a portion of the western outskirts of the city passing before my eyes.  Mountain range in the distance, city lights still illuminated, a few cars passing here and there.  I'm sure they were thinking there goes another one of those runner fools, up at 5:30 am on a Saturday.  But this morning that run in the cool fall air was my source of inner peace.

Life can be so chaotic, with its obligations and demands.  We're always rushing to get something done, to get somewhere, to make a good enough impression.  We're also always looking for something we don't think we have, but want.  What will it be today?  Where can we take ourselves or how many things can we accumulate in order to show the world that we made our mark?  Some of us are never really satisfied and I include my restless soul in that bunch.  In seven weeks I'll have completed a master's degree and I'm not really sure I learned anything that I didn't already know before-at least from the textbooks.

A sense of inner peace and satisfaction can't be reached by focusing on what may lay ahead, what we've already left behind, or our imaginary worlds containing "the next best thing."  No, I think it comes from a silent voice that realizes that your intangible self and its breaths are all that you really have in life.  All that really matters is that you're allowing yourself to be you, no matter who that you might be.  Nature is content and calm with itself because it simply exists, each piece living out the role it was meant to play.  What we want from ourselves and from others has always been there inside our own souls.  The only thing we've forgotten how to do is express it from within rather than from fleeting external manifestations.    

As one of my favorite songs so beautifully states:  "send me no more angels on a restless wind.  All I ever wanted were the simple things.  If a love like ours means anything, show me a sign honey, dip your wings."